Archive of ‘red lips’ category

D is for really big idiot

I was sim­ply hor­ri­fied today when I saw that a local gro­cery store, my gro­cery store, my neigh­bor­hood loca­tion was the scene of a rob­bery. Actu­al­ly, it was a bank satel­lite office inside of the bank. Per­haps the rob­ber was look­ing to cash in on Mr. Big Shot $24,000 ATM Slip? I was deter­mined to get to the bot­tom of it, so I threw on my Nan­cy Drew hat and head­ed to the super­mar­ket to sniff out some clues.

OK, so that is a bunch of crap. I was head­ed home from an event at Finnegan’s school and had to stop  to grab a few things for an event at work tomor­row. I gath­ered my items and made my way to the front of the store and head­ed to the only open lane, which hap­pened to be right next to the bank. I con­sid­er myself to be a friend­ly, out­go­ing gal (I hate the word gal, but in the fol­low­ing exchange, it seemed an appro­pri­ate name). Per my ususal, I whipped up the fol­low­ing con­vo with the 17ish male check­er and his trusty side­kick, the bag­ger.

Me: Wow, I can’t believe that some­one would real­ly rob a bank, in a gro­cery store, with all of the­se peo­ple around.
Check­er: Yeah, it was pret­ty dumb.
Me: I know. Who does that and thinks that they can get away with it with all of the­se secu­ri­ty cam­eras?
Check­er: Peo­ple do dumb things all the time.
Me: Walk­ing in here, to the front of the store past all of the cam­eras is like walk­ing in with a big sign around your neck say­ing, remem­ber my face, I am about to rob the place.They are just ask­ing to be picked out of a line­up.
Check­er: Yeah, peo­ple are dumb. They do all kinds of stuff that makes them stick out and makes them mem­o­rable. Some are just like hard to for­get.
Me: I know, peo­ple are just dumb. It’s like they want to get caught. Thanks so much for your help. Have a great night.
Check­er: You too, Mrs. Thomas.

Huh? Did he just call me Mrs. Thomas? I don’t write checks. He didn’t ask for my ID for the Diet Coke and water that I just pur­chased. I guess that I have shopped at this store so many times through­out the last decade that they have come to know me. What a nice young man. Wow, they real­ly are the friend­liest stores in town.

Or.…I am the biggest idiot in town.…you decide.….

Upon get­ting into my mini­van I real­ized that right above my heart was this God­for­sak­en name tag.….I was just ask­ing to be picked out in a line up.….idiot.….

You Better Work.…

Sweet Mary Moth­er of God. Have you ever had one of those days when you walk out the door look­ing fierce, or so you think, and in a mat­ter of min­utes you dete­ri­o­rate com­plete­ly. You spend a great deal of time on your look, par­tic­u­lar­ly your hair, because your phys­i­cal appear­ance is impor­tant for your line of work and you need to be on trend and put togeth­er. But, then the plan­ets shift and your are in trou­ble. Not like you for­got your lip­stick, and need a pick me up. No, I am talk­ing more of the holy $h!+ if Sta­cy and Clin­ton saw this they may rein­car­nate “What Not to Wear” just for you.

You catch a glimpse in the rear view and notice a prob­lem

The scarf seemed like a good idea when I left the house, but after fur­ther inves­ti­ga­tion the col­or and tie tech­nique is resem­bling an infect­ed goitor. But, that isn’t the worst of my prob­lems. Take a look at that lip­stick. It looks as if I put it on with my feet or let Hand­some #2, my three-year-old, give it a shot.

Hmm, did you style your hair with a fork, Ariel?

Here, you can real­ly see how great that lip­stick appli­ca­tion is.I appear to be hemor­rag­ing, but just on the sides. Some­how, the cen­ter has noth­ing on it, at all. Shall we dis­cuss the hair? I am quite sure that I used AT LEAST five dif­fer­ent prod­ucts to keep my faux hawk in shape, but some­how it looks more like I just got a fresh trim from a flow­bee.

Excuse me Eric Car­men, can we dis­cuss those Hun­gry Eyes

Holy $h!+ this was the shock of the day. I knew that I looked ter­ri­ble, but when in the hell did I devel­op a lazy eye? Look­ing at this makes me ner­vous, I am not sure which one to look at. They both look like they hurt and could induce instant ver­tigo and vomiting.…

Just cov­er your whole face and no one will know it’s you

I fig­ured that putting on my sun­glass­es would make things bet­ter. Let’s see about that, idiot. Not only does my hair look like Blanche Dev­ereaux after a romp in the woods, but those damn glass­es are so big, they are near­ly wrap­ping around my head. WTF is going on?

Since there was noth­ing that I could do to make things bet­ter from my car, I did the only rea­son­able thing that I could. I drowned my sor­rows in a 440z Diet Dr. Pep­per, drove to my office and hid. I sup­pose it could have been worse. I could have been stand­ing on the beach in a bikini think­ing that I was real­ly hot stuff.…oh wait.…..

Oh look, an awk­ward boy in a bikini with a popeye.….

Your kiss is on my list.……

When I heard Mika blar­ing “Love Today” in my ear this morn­ing at exact­ly 6am, I want­ed to punch him in the face. I had no desire to crawl out of my com­fy cocoon, but hit­ting snooze isn’t an option when you have to be in a high school gym by 7:30, so I drug myself out of bed.

I knew it was des­tined to be one of those morn­ings when I found this in the show­er.

Good Morn­ing, have a nice day
Seri­ous­ly, WTF is that? Why is it so hard to get the kids to clean up after their bath? If I have told him once, I have told  Scott 700 times, “I am the one who has to show­er in here in the morn­ing and I don’t want to have to step on this crap. Please be the respon­si­ble adult and make them pick up their toys!” And then I real­ized, $h!+, I was the moron who gave the boys a bath last night. And the rea­son that the toys remain on the show­er floor is because some­one attempt­ed to drown some­one else in the tub because he stole his wash­cloth and the only way that I was able to keep three chil­dren alive and not just two was to swift­ly pull out one boy in each arm, and air­lift them to their bed­room. At which point, I did a quick tow­el dry of their heads, put paja­mas on wet bod­ies, which is about as fun as dress­ing an ear­ly 80s rub­bery Bar­bie, and said a quick, “See you tomor­row.” I still had to feed the baby, clean the kitchen and fold the laun­dry that will NEVER end up in a draw­er.

When I final­ly went to put said baby to bed thir­ty min­utes lat­er, I found this behind the rock­er.

Sur­prise, I may or may not be dead under here
 Had the win­dows been open some­one would have called 911 and report­ed mul­ti­ple murders.“911 what is your emergency?”“My neigh­bor across the street, the Grillin’ Fool’s wife, she appears to be in trou­ble. I think he may have had enough of her crap and thrown her on the Char­broil. They are all scream­ing. You bet­ter send sev­er­al ambu­lances.”

This morn­ing was a strug­gle, to say the least. The last few weeks have been this way.…..

          First there was this
Sharpie instead of lip­stick, per­fect.…
And then this
Haven’t quite mas­tered shoes on the right feet.…perfect
This morn­ing, I did the unthink­able. I left home with­out my sig­na­ture tube of slut­ty red lip­stick. Talk about a WTF moment?!?!!? I don’t put lip­stick on before I drop the boys at school and lay a big fat one on them for fear that the teach­ers will mis­take my love and affec­tion for child abuse or a nasty case of ring­worm. So when I reached into my purse as I left the school park­ing lot, I was in a state of pan­ic. I had two cell phones, a wal­let, fruit snacks, dia­pers, wet wipes, three pairs on socks, tam­pons, a pair of Thomas the Train unner­wears, an iPad and a lint roller.….not a sin­gle tube of lips.…..

$h!+, I had to be in a high school in 15 min­utes. No time to go home, no time to stop at Wal­greens. No time for any­thing! I was forced to do the unthink­able, I had to go to school naked. No before you get all, she is so dra­mat­ic, on me, let’s be fair. The last time that I attempt­ed to wear a dif­fer­ent COLOR lip­stick, Hand­some #1 said,

Mom, what is wrong with your face?”

Too bad, so sad, I had to go to work. I was angry, fraz­zled and not feel­ing myself at all. As I was set­ting up my table, a group of kids from a spe­cial edu­ca­tion class were mak­ing their way through the gym ear­ly before it got too busy. A sweet-look­ing boy, may­be 15, came over and said hel­lo.

He looked at my setup and said, “Oh, this isn’t for me.”

That’s OK. I hope that you have a great day,” I replied and went back to get­ting orga­nized.

He walked away, but swift­ly turned around. He came back look­ing like he had left a book or a pen­cil behind. “Ma’am. I for­got. I for­got to say, you look pret­ty today.”

And off he went.
So sim­ple, so kind and a total day chang­er. It was a slap in my face, and one that I need­ed today. A change in per­spec­tive. It isn’t about the lip­stick, or the shoes, or the hair. It is about a smile and being kind. I would love to tell his mom, you are doing it right. I am sure that she wor­ries, we all do. But when he is on his own, he is kind and lov­ing and I tru­ly hope that my boys are like that. Thank you God for send­ing him my way.
I’ll duck­face the hell out of some red lips
As I left the park­ing lot, I smiled. But, as I caught my reflec­tion in the rearview, I real­ized that I still looked like the Walk­ing Dead, so the Odyssey made a quick left into Wal­greens and soon, every­thing was right in the world again.…And there is an extra tube in the ash­tray, in case of an emer­gen­cy.…..