Because You Loved Me.….

I went back to work last week. I wasn’t kick­ing or scream­ing. I wasn’t even real­ly cry­ing, but I had a lump in my throat as I kissed my four babies good­bye. I know deep down that in order to keep up with the lifestyle that we have become accus­tomed to, I have to work. Our life isn’t extrav­a­gant or fan­cy, despite the fact that I am mar­ried to a celebri­ty, but it makes the six of us hap­py. And know­ing that I con­tribute to that hap­pi­ness makes me feel val­i­dat­ed. And the icing on the cake is that I actu­al­ly love my job.

My first day was long, because I was fix­at­ed on what was hap­pen­ing at home. I had spent the last 12 weeks with my chil­dren every sin­gle min­ute and all of a sud­den, I felt lone­ly. I missed their hugs and kiss­es. I missed their scream­ing and yelling. I missed their tat­tles and their sto­ries. I missed my best friends and I missed my mom. She had been with me from the min­ute I gave birth to my baby girl and stayed with me my entire mater­ni­ty leave.

As I walked in the door after the first day, I was greet­ed by four smil­ing faces and eight arms embrac­ing me. I looked up at Mau­r­mi and smiled, so thank­ful that she had been there with them that first day. They adore her as much as I do and I knew that I prob­a­bly wasn’t missed too ter­ri­bly much. I looked around and noticed that the house was spot­less.

Mom, you didn’t have to clean my house,” I said, feel­ing utter­ly guilty and so incred­i­bly grate­ful. Mau­r­mi knows that I hate to have things a mess, but that I am not a Martha Stew­art-type house­keep­er either.

I just didn’t want you to come home and have to do work any­more. You are my baby girl and it is my job to take care of you,” She said with tears in her eyes.

She has always told me that par­ent­ing nev­er ends. No mat­ter if your child is six or six­ty, you will always have an over­whelm­ing urge to take care of them. I want to think that I can do it all. I want to believe that I am some kind of super mom who can work full time, keep my house under con­trol, feed my chil­dren noth­ing but nutri­ent-rich foods and always have a full face of make­up. It just isn’t real life. At all…Ever.…I can’t do it all all of the time. Well except for the make­up because, let’s be hon­est, Car­ly Simon prob­a­bly could’ve writ­ten that song about me!

I am hon­est about the fact that I make mis­takes all the time. I try to find laugh­ter every day because many days if I didn’t, I would cry. I don’t have it all togeth­er, and I don’t think that any­one else does either, no mat­ter what their Insta­gram feed says. No one’s kids look at the cam­era 100 per­cent of the time. I know just as well as you do that the per­fect pic you just post­ed was shot num­ber 44 after you screamed a few times, per­haps curs­ing, to get them all to look. I also know that you are crop­ping the hell out of your fam­i­ly room because you don’t want any­one to see your kids’, or may­be your husband’s, socks and under­wear ran­dom­ly on the floor. And date night is not always that much fun! You have got­ten in a huge fight on the way to the restau­rant and spent the night tex­ting your mom all about how much of a jerk your hus­band act­ed like in the car but you are stay­ing out because, hel­lo, you have a sit­ter!

The voyeuris­tic world that we live in today isn’t real. Rush­ing home when you are 37 because you just want a hug from your mom is real. Putting on your night­gown, smelling the deter­gent and cry­ing, because the fresh laun­dry that your mom does always smells bet­ter, is real. Hav­ing your kids acci­den­tal­ly call their grand­moth­er mom, not because they love them more but because they love you both so much, is real. Being a career wom­an, a wife and a mom is all hard. Hav­ing a mom who has done it all, who knows how you feel and who is well beyond hav­ing to par­ent but wants to par­ent you, makes it all so much eas­ier.

I hope that when my chil­dren have chil­dren that they will allow me to con­tin­ue to help clean up their mess­es, to hold their babies, to make them din­ner and to wrap my arms around them so that they can feel my love. Right now, even when I am the most tired that I have ever been, there is noth­ing in the world bet­ter than tiny hands on my cheek and lit­tle lips whis­per­ing, “Mom­my, I love you.” As those hands grow big­ger I hope that they will still love me as much as I love them and know that no mat­ter how tough life my seem, that I am always in their cor­ner, just like Mau­r­mi.……

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6 Comments on Because You Loved Me.….

  1. Deana
    June 21, 2016 at 8:39 pm (9 months ago)

    OMG. I need­ed your words. I love you. I’m read­ing this to Bill and the kids tighter. This is what Bill and I try des­per­ate­ly to achieve for our chil­dren and future grand­chil­dren. You are a liv­ing suc­cess sto­ry that’s strong. None of us are per­fect or han­dle life just right. You live your truth beau­ti­ful­ly and full of laughs even though there is pain. Thank you. Thank you for reas­sur­ing myself and I know Bill once I read it to him, that we are paving the way for the next gen­er­a­tions of Free­mans…

    Reply
    • Colleen Thomas
      June 21, 2016 at 8:43 pm (9 months ago)

      You have known us forever and you know this is real. And talk about a suc­cess sto­ry, look in the mir­ror! You could have given up a mil­lion times, we all could, but you didn’t! I admire you and your fam­i­ly more than you will ever know! Love you!

      Reply
  2. Maurmi
    June 21, 2016 at 8:47 pm (9 months ago)

    I am hum­bled and sob­bing. I love you so much it tru­ly does hurt!

    Reply
  3. Gayle
    June 21, 2016 at 8:51 pm (9 months ago)

    I need­ed this today after see­ing my baby get married…I will nev­er stop wor­ry­ing, lov­ing, pro­tect­ing or hop­ing for the best. He is a Marine and is pro­tect­ing our coun­try but who pro­tects him? I will tell you who! His mom. Forever.

    Reply
  4. Lisa Bates
    June 21, 2016 at 9:17 pm (9 months ago)

    Such a sweet approach to going back to work after baby #4! Let’s face it, your mom is a Saint! Some­how she man­ages to turn that frown upside down for any­one and every­one she meets. I think there are a lot of peo­ple out there who secret­ly wish she was their mom 😃 You are both so lucky and blessed to have each oth­er to go through life with!

    Reply
  5. Diane
    June 21, 2016 at 9:49 pm (9 months ago)

    I love your Mau­r­mi. And no, Car­ly wrote that song about my hus­band.

    Reply

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