Because You Loved Me…..

I went back to work last week. I wasn’t kicking or screaming. I wasn’t even really crying, but I had a lump in my throat as I kissed my four babies goodbye. I know deep down that in order to keep up with the lifestyle that we have become accustomed to, I have to work. Our life isn’t extravagant or fancy, despite the fact that I am married to a celebrity, but it makes the six of us happy. And knowing that I contribute to that happiness makes me feel validated. And the icing on the cake is that I actually love my job.

My first day was long, because I was fixated on what was happening at home. I had spent the last 12 weeks with my children every single minute and all of a sudden, I felt lonely. I missed their hugs and kisses. I missed their screaming and yelling. I missed their tattles and their stories. I missed my best friends and I missed my mom. She had been with me from the minute I gave birth to my baby girl and stayed with me my entire maternity leave.

As I walked in the door after the first day, I was greeted by four smiling faces and eight arms embracing me. I looked up at Maurmi and smiled, so thankful that she had been there with them that first day. They adore her as much as I do and I knew that I probably wasn’t missed too terribly much. I looked around and noticed that the house was spotless.

“Mom, you didn’t have to clean my house,” I said, feeling utterly guilty and so incredibly grateful. Maurmi knows that I hate to have things a mess, but that I am not a Martha Stewart-type housekeeper either.

“I just didn’t want you to come home and have to do work anymore. You are my baby girl and it is my job to take care of you,” She said with tears in her eyes.

She has always told me that parenting never ends. No matter if your child is six or sixty, you will always have an overwhelming urge to take care of them. I want to think that I can do it all. I want to believe that I am some kind of super mom who can work full time, keep my house under control, feed my children nothing but nutrient-rich foods and always have a full face of makeup. It just isn’t real life. At all…Ever….I can’t do it all all of the time. Well except for the makeup because, let’s be honest, Carly Simon probably could’ve written that song about me!

I am honest about the fact that I make mistakes all the time. I try to find laughter every day because many days if I didn’t, I would cry. I don’t have it all together, and I don’t think that anyone else does either, no matter what their Instagram feed says. No one’s kids look at the camera 100 percent of the time. I know just as well as you do that the perfect pic you just posted was shot number 44 after you screamed a few times, perhaps cursing, to get them all to look. I also know that you are cropping the hell out of your family room because you don’t want anyone to see your kids’, or maybe your husband’s, socks and underwear randomly on the floor. And date night is not always that much fun! You have gotten in a huge fight on the way to the restaurant and spent the night texting your mom all about how much of a jerk your husband acted like in the car but you are staying out because, hello, you have a sitter!

The voyeuristic world that we live in today isn’t real. Rushing home when you are 37 because you just want a hug from your mom is real. Putting on your nightgown, smelling the detergent and crying, because the fresh laundry that your mom does always smells better, is real. Having your kids accidentally call their grandmother mom, not because they love them more but because they love you both so much, is real. Being a career woman, a wife and a mom is all hard. Having a mom who has done it all, who knows how you feel and who is well beyond having to parent but wants to parent you, makes it all so much easier.

I hope that when my children have children that they will allow me to continue to help clean up their messes, to hold their babies, to make them dinner and to wrap my arms around them so that they can feel my love. Right now, even when I am the most tired that I have ever been, there is nothing in the world better than tiny hands on my cheek and little lips whispering, “Mommy, I love you.” As those hands grow bigger I hope that they will still love me as much as I love them and know that no matter how tough life my seem, that I am always in their corner, just like Maurmi…….


6 Comments on Because You Loved Me…..

  1. Deana
    June 21, 2016 at 8:39 pm (3 years ago)

    OMG. I needed your words. I love you. I’m reading this to Bill and the kids tighter. This is what Bill and I try desperately to achieve for our children and future grandchildren. You are a living success story that’s strong. None of us are perfect or handle life just right. You live your truth beautifully and full of laughs even though there is pain. Thank you. Thank you for reassuring myself and I know Bill once I read it to him, that we are paving the way for the next generations of Freemans…

    • Colleen Thomas
      June 21, 2016 at 8:43 pm (3 years ago)

      You have known us forever and you know this is real. And talk about a success story, look in the mirror! You could have given up a million times, we all could, but you didn’t! I admire you and your family more than you will ever know! Love you!

  2. Maurmi
    June 21, 2016 at 8:47 pm (3 years ago)

    I am humbled and sobbing. I love you so much it truly does hurt!

  3. Gayle
    June 21, 2016 at 8:51 pm (3 years ago)

    I needed this today after seeing my baby get married…I will never stop worrying, loving, protecting or hoping for the best. He is a Marine and is protecting our country but who protects him? I will tell you who! His mom. Forever.

  4. Lisa Bates
    June 21, 2016 at 9:17 pm (3 years ago)

    Such a sweet approach to going back to work after baby #4! Let’s face it, your mom is a Saint! Somehow she manages to turn that frown upside down for anyone and everyone she meets. I think there are a lot of people out there who secretly wish she was their mom 😃 You are both so lucky and blessed to have each other to go through life with!

  5. Diane
    June 21, 2016 at 9:49 pm (3 years ago)

    I love your Maurmi. And no, Carly wrote that song about my husband.


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