October 2014 archive

Liar, liar pants on Fire!

Tonight, I, err, Hand­some #1 and I, fin­ished our first real deal school project. He is next week’s star stu­dent and along with oth­er priv­i­leges comes a chance to let the class learn a bit more about you. There was cut­ting, past­ing, col­or­ing and my all-time favorite activ­i­ty to do with a child, hand­writ­ing. To be fair, he has come a long way from the hiero­glyph­ics that he was turn­ing out in kinder­garten, but holy Moses, it is a strug­gle! The pro­fes­sor, as he is most lov­ing­ly referred to by his Mau­r­mi, can tell you any­thing in the world that you would ever like to know about rep­tiles, insects, Sponge Bob or Woody Wood­peck­er. He would love to recount the times that his father has allowed him to flip his steaks on the grill, or the time that I called a wom­an a b!+ch at the mall, which by the way, she ABSOLUTELY deserved. Just don’t, under any cir­cum­stance, ask him to write it down. You might as well be ask­ing for a kid­ney, as his reac­tion is just about the same. He will do what­ev­er he can to get out of it. He is shrewd, once telling me that he will nev­er need to learn to write because every­one just has com­put­ers and texts each oth­er any­way. He is six.…. And yes, I real­ized about a mon­th after he was born and he start­ed talk­ing that we were like­ly in trou­ble.

Sad­ly for him, the rest of the first grade won’t be allowed to use their iPhones in class, so he had to do things the old fash­ioned way. His teacher pro­vid­ed us with six stars that had to be incor­po­rat­ed into the project, things like his birth­day, favorite school sub­ject, his favorite book etc. The answers to the ques­tions had to be writ­ten inside of the stars which were then put on the poster board and dec­o­rat­ed. We sailed through. Life was great! Things were going well and then.…
Me: Hand­some #1 what do you want to be when you grow up?
Hand­some #1: Mom! You know what I want to be, a her­petol­o­gist.
Me: Oh, yeah, right. Of course, the lizards. Go ahead and write that in the box.
Hand­some #1: OK. H.e.r.p.…H.e.r.p…H.e.r.p..H.e.…..ugh, for­get it! I am just going to be a fire­fight­er! At least I know how to spell that!