Tonight, I, err, Handsome #1 and I, finished our first real deal school project. He is next week’s star student and along with other privileges comes a chance to let the class learn a bit more about you. There was cutting, pasting, coloring and my all-time favorite activity to do with a child, handwriting. To be fair, he has come a long way from the hieroglyphics that he was turning out in kindergarten, but holy Moses, it is a struggle! The professor, as he is most lovingly referred to by his Maurmi, can tell you anything in the world that you would ever like to know about reptiles, insects, Sponge Bob or Woody Woodpecker. He would love to recount the times that his father has allowed him to flip his steaks on the grill, or the time that I called a woman a b!+ch at the mall, which by the way, she ABSOLUTELY deserved. Just don’t, under any circumstance, ask him to write it down. You might as well be asking for a kidney, as his reaction is just about the same. He will do whatever he can to get out of it. He is shrewd, once telling me that he will never need to learn to write because everyone just has computers and texts each other anyway. He is six.…. And yes, I realized about a month after he was born and he started talking that we were likely in trouble.
Sadly for him, the rest of the first grade won’t be allowed to use their iPhones in class, so he had to do things the old fashioned way. His teacher provided us with six stars that had to be incorporated into the project, things like his birthday, favorite school subject, his favorite book etc. The answers to the questions had to be written inside of the stars which were then put on the poster board and decorated. We sailed through. Life was great! Things were going well and then.…
Me: Handsome #1 what do you want to be when you grow up?
Handsome #1: Mom! You know what I want to be, a herpetologist.
Me: Oh, yeah, right. Of course, the lizards. Go ahead and write that in the box.
Handsome #1: OK. H.e.r.p.…H.e.r.p…H.e.r.p..H.e.…..ugh, forget it! I am just going to be a firefighter! At least I know how to spell that!