September 2011 archive

I’m startin with the Chub in the mirror…….

You haven’t seen a blog from me in two weeks because I have been filming a new fitness video. No, not because I have become the model of health. Instead because I have done nothing but be a slug and Richard Simmons wanted me to come out and model for a new Sweatin video with all of the other “Big Mamas.” OK, that’s not true either. The fact of the matter is, just like every other time in my life that I have somehow committed to becoming physically fit and active; I got bored and took a vacation. I have several excuses, which I am more than happy to share. 
There was a final workout, but it made me cross eyed. Wouldn’t you quit too?
1.       It was too damn hot-This could be viewed as a reasonable excuse. We did have record hot temps and it would be dangerous for even the most seasoned professional to be out running. I do, however, have a very nice air-conditioned alternative. My father gave my mother a brand new top-of-the-line treadmill for Christmas. And since my parent’s driveway is exactly 0.6 miles from my own, there is no reason that I did not use said treadmill. Let us also not forget that my mother watches my children four days a week and I am there the other three as well.
The heat caused me and my children to become dehydrated. What 15-month-old doesn’t need a 44oz DC?
2.       I was too tired-Why shouldn’t I be tired? I work a full time job, I have two small children and I have to keep up with housework. How could I possibly fit in 30 minutes of exercise? Well, chubby, since you are the first woman ever to have a job AND be married with children, you certainly should get a pass!
3.        There was a lot of TV to watch-Trying to balance exercise when Hoarders, Jerseylicios, Teen Mom and Intervention are on is tough. You add in Toddlers and Tiaras and Dance Moms and you might as well start serving my meals in the bedroom. I have several hours of trashy television that I need to watch on a weekly basis and I prefer to eat crap while I watch them, this combination does not lend itself to exercise. Instead of working hard to look good, I relied on the all black approach to hide underneath.
Black Clothing is slimming
This much black eyeliner is appalling
4.       Brennan messed up my C25K App-Of course I will blame it on the baby! He somehow got a hold of my phone and removed the app, or so I thought. When I went to reinstall the app, I was told that it was already installed. What is a girl to do? Perhaps scroll through to the absolute last apps page on your iPhone and see that he simply moved it, idiot!
5.       We have no healthy food in the house-It is hard to follow a proper low calorie diet when you cabinets are stocked with sweet and salty carb-filled delicious treats! When the bananas turned brown, I tossed them. Perhaps it would have made more sense to waddle on over Schnucks to replenish the supply instead of living off of a diet of fiber bars and Cheez its, because that was all that was around.

If there are no healthy options at home, by all means, eat out
6.       My body is broken-Because my thyroid doesn’t function properly, I am sometimes rendered a useless slug. Almost a year ago I was literally falling apart, and I had no idea why. I went to the doctor to be treated for severe depression and left with a prescription for Synthroid. It turns out that my thyroid levels were so out of whack, I had likely been functioning without it for YEARS! How do you not know that? The hair loss, extremely itchy skin and absolutely no desire to get out of bed in the morning was alarming. The fact that I was so fat and bloated that my face looked like someone had blown me up with a bicycle pump was what finally made me think, hmm something is wrong here.
Guess which one of us is 8 months pregnant and which one can barely open her eyes through the bloat?!?!            
And there you have it. All of the reasons why I could not do anything but eat and be lazy for two weeks.Now, I am pissed at myself. I should be close to finishing the C25K program, but because I chose fat Colleen over healthy, I have to start again with week 5! It pisses me off even more because I really wanted to be down to my wedding weight of 149 by my fifth anniversary on September 30, but instead I have gained two pounds and I am at 164. 
But what pisses me off the most is that I promised myself that if I got to 150, I would buy myself a darling pair of sequined Uggs. They are over-the-top and borderline hideous, but I LOVE them and could totally pull them off! Instead of being cozy in a new pair of Uggs, my fat ass will be staying warm with all of the extra fluff that is still hanging around my thighs and stomach. God, I am so aggravated with myself.  I knew this would happen, it always does, but I am bound and determined to get it back together tomorrow. So help me God, I want those boots. I will be dragging myself out of bed in the morning. No, I am not in it for the healthier lifestyle, the sense of accomplishment, the athleticism….Hell no, I want to strut my stuff in some cute boots and skinny jeans………….But for now, I am going to bask in the glory of the delicious chocolate chip pancakes that I made for dinner and tune into some trash TV.
God these are so ridiculous, I HAVE to have them!
*****Blog Bonus*****
While my weight gain may only be two pounds, I am afraid that it may have seriously altered my physical appearance, at least in the eyes of my youngest son. I was picking the boys up from my mom’s last week as I always do. They were upstairs in Uncle Jimbo’s room, which happens to have a Goodfellas poster hanging on the wall. I heard laughter coming from the room, so was all too eager to join in the fun. Jimmy was holding Brennan who was pointing at the poster and saying, “Momma, momma.” No, he wasn’t showing me anything; he was pointing at Paul Sorvino and calling HIM Momma…..Perfect…..
It is like looking in the mirror