I’ve been waiting for a girl like you…………

Coming off of last week’s monumental failure, I decided that I either improved or I would have to start posting pics of my flab and semi-faded stretch marks as some kind of motivator. Realizing that I would see some of you at an upcoming reunion, mass or Sunday night dinner at mom and dad’s (let’s face it most people reading this likely share some of my DNA) at some point, I feared that this action would not only cause me humiliation, but also great sadness when I saw you sporting eye patches covering the wounds from washing your eyes out with acid after viewing the pictures, so I thought  I had probably better not. Instead, Chubby had to control herself at the QT and not grab the chocolate bars. Instead, I managed to waste money on 32 oz Diet Cokes, winner, and several scratcher cards, loser after loser after loser. 
Sam&Libby’s and a Blossom Hat would have rocked this outfit
Due to the fact that my running schedule was completely destroyed the week prior, this past week only consisted of two runs. The first took place on Tuesday morning when most of you were still snuggling and hitting the snooze. I like my morning runs. I feel good the rest of the day and  I like the fact that before I consume anything for breakfast, it is essentially calorically negated. While all of these things are nice, there are a few things about the early morning run that are not so nice. Like the kids waiting for the bus in the morning. While I am sure that no one is going to chase me or beat me up, or even spit at me, I know that they are laughing. I think back to when I was 10,11,12 maybe 31 1/2 and I would see some pathetic fool walking Francis Park jamming to Richard Marx on their Walkman while rocking the Umbros and thinking, what a loser. I am now that woman, sans the perm and Tretorns. God I would love to get my hands on a pair of those, or some Sam and Libby Bow Shoes, Damn Gina!
There really is no way to avoid these bus riders. They stand there and they stare. There is one fella in particular that really gives me the creeps. You know him. He is the one who looks like he is wearing his dad’s clothes, grey sweats, glasses and eating a bagel. He isn’t one for fashion, he is one for snacks. He doesn’t care about taking a shower, he is playing WOW all night. He is 12, oily and awkward and I think that he is in love with me. He looks at me longingly. His dream girl is approaching, it is as if Foreigner is blaring in his ears and I am appearing out of a cloud. I am his Bo Derek running up the beach, his Christie Brinkley in a red corvette, Tawny Kitaen dancing on the hood of his mom’s mini van. His eyes are locked on me as he chews. I can’t look away from his direction either. Not because I am interested in being his main squeeze. Instead it is worse, so very much worse. I could briefly consider going all Mary Kay Letourneau than to battle with the vicious beast behind him.  
Teenage Dream….
It is gray, round and furry. It is so close to me I can almost hear the purring. If that son of a bitch comes one step off of that porch these school kids are going to get the scare of their lives. I am jogging at a slow pace and staring it down. In my head I am chanting, “Please don’t eat me, please don’t eat me. Dear God, please keep me safe.” I feign a smile in an effort to ward off the beast. Unfortunately, my boyfriend takes this as an invitation and smiles back.  His head is filled with ways to ask me out and I am simply hoping to survive the next 10 feet. Thankfully, I make it pass the kitty and hot lips and I continue on my way.
You would cry too, no probably not…
I figured that I had encountered enough romance for one morning, so I would avoid the other bus stops and head in a different path on my way home. This proved to be my biggest error in judgement to date. As I was rounding the corner, I noticed a large blue truck in front of me. No, not a Ford, Chevy or GMC, lucky for me, it was trash day. Awesome. 
What exercise enthusiast wouldn’t love to be following a truck filled with crap? To make matters even more exciting, we were traveling uphill. I have described my athletic abilities before, so let’s not get confused here. Running uphill is at very best a semi-fast walk filled with panting and panic attacks that I may be thirty seconds from death. Well this truck driver  saw something in his review mirror that he quite enjoyed on Tuesday. So instead of putting me out of me misery and moving his stank ass a little faster, he decided that it he wanted to cruise through the neighborhood just a smidge more swiftly than me. In essence, I could have pushed him and the SOB would have traveled faster.  There was nothing that I could do. I was downwind of an idiot who was trying to send me the vibe and all of my neighbors trash. Awesome. I continued with him for about 30 more seconds and stopped. Just quit moving in the middle of the street. I was totally tempted to flip him the bird, but figured that he could flip a trash can on me, so I resisted. Eventually, loverboy got the picture and he moved along. I made it home unscathed and without participating in an extramarital affair even though both potential suitors were tempting.
One of these mornings, my kids are going to wake up and find me passed out like this
 My second run took place on Friday night. Total loserville. It was 7:30 and I knew that I would be getting up early the next morning to hit some garage sales with my mother, so it was one of those now or never moments. I chose the now and I failed. I failed miserably. It was C25K W4D3 and I couldn’t do it. I don’t think that it was because I can’t run it, I just chose an extremely hilly course that was completely out of my comfort zone. I didn’t totally quit. I continued the workout walking, so I still got some exercise in. As a reward to myself for doing such an amazing job and not quitting, I ordered a large cheese pizza and ate it in bed with my husband watching the Blindside…..Colleen 0 Fat Colleen 110…..
Failure
Saturday morning I decided that I needed to pick through other people’s discards at a rummage sale and get really nosey while visiting a few homes for garage sales. It always amazes me that people, including myself, will pay money for something that was lovingly remarked as, “Get this s*&$ out of my house now.” The first stop of the day, I found an absolute treasure. 
I wonder if this is still part of the gym curriculum at SJA?
I am not sure how I feel about the manner in which I found it. This is a Time Life 20th Anniversary Edition. However, only the first disc is out of its original package, which means that someone opened one disc, played it and said, “F*&% this!” Poor, Richard, he was just trying to help……
What is my weightloss this week? I have no idea. My scale is completely and totally useless. It gives me crazy numbers all the time. As a matter of fact, it told me that I gained two pounds in the shower this morning. Well, I have been using volumizing shampoo and a bit of it MAY, have rolled down my back and shoulders………Since my clothes fit the same, I am deeming my weight the same for the week!
****Blog Bonus****
This week’s idiot moment is brought to you by my parents’ driveway. I was picking the boy’s up from Maurmi Daycare last Tuesday evening. As always, it was a huge production leaving the house with Finnegan fighting me tooth and nail to stay. I decided to get Brennan into his car seat first and then go back into the house to get Finnegan. All of sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw a huge, thick snake. Naturally, I started screaming, causing Brennan to start screaming. As I dove into the car for safety, I turned to see if the snake had moved any closer to me…….Idiot……
Wow, how frightening…shiver, shiver……

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