Girl you looks good……….

One of the most basic necessities for a positive workout experience is the properly motivating soundtrack. Since day one, I have found that artists such as Ke$ha (note the proper use of the dollar sign), Gnarls Barkley, Billy Ocean and the occasional NKOTB song have kept me going. It is so simple to get lost in the moment, “Hey, hey, you, you, get into my car. Who me?” I have been known to coyly look over at a passing vehicle, only to find a 70-year-old man in a Buick not a hot Jheri curled Billy Ocean in a convertible. Since I don’t live in Miami and it isn’t 1988, this past week, I found a whole new motivation.
The Sun was blaring even at 6 am
It seems like I go to Schnucks every day. I am not kidding, the checkers, managers and deli employees know my children’s names, birthdays and blood types, we are there that often. On one of last week’s first trips, I went to flip the station and accidentally hit the CD button. The CD player in my car gets about as much use as the record player in my parents’ basement so you never know what you might find. What began to blare from the speakers was pure college and a collection of the most vile, disrespectful, vulgar rap music that I had heard in years. I was THRILLED! The fact that my two babies were in the car meant that momma wasn’t going to be able to enjoy her spoils until the next day. Upon returning from the friendliest stores in town, I immediately uploaded the CD to iTunes and it was entered into my iPod for the next morning’s run.
I began with a quick warm up listening to the sweet words of Ice Cube and We be Clubbin’. I wasn’t overly inspired by these particular lyrics. It certainly has a nice beat, plenty of uses of the f word and is mildly degrading to women. It wasn’t until I started the real meat of the work out that things began to get particularly philosophical. You see, Ice Cube was quickly followed up by Juvenile and the classic, Back that Azz Up. This is where my workout went from sweating to a vow to reach my goal weight.
Happy to be finished by horrified by those roots
Back that Azz Up has always been a favorite of mine. I have great memories of performing every word to this on my 21st birthday and being quite proud. If you must know, I do remember all of the lyrics and I most definitely was singing along as I made my way down Valleyside Dr.  As I began to run a little faster and sweat a little harder, I began to get in the zone. I was focused. And suddenly, it all became clear. “Girl you looks good won’t you back that Azz up. You’s a fine mutha f*&Ker won’t you back that Azz up.” Wow….no, I won’t. Would anyone? I mean really? What kind of woman would find this an invitation for a good time? While I am long out of the dating game, I am quite certain that had those pretty words been whispered to me in a dimly lit watering hole, that I would not have become starry eyed and jello legged. I would have been more inclined to tell him what kind of mutha he was.
I certainly didn’t want to label myself a thirty-something prude, so I decided not to hit skip and allowed my iPod to work its magic. I was soothed by Dr. Dre and Snoop and their classic collaboration, Nuthin’ but a G Thang. I am not really all that sure what a G is, but I am pretty sure that I am not one. Nevertheless, it helped me to keep up my stride. I was making my way through the neighborhood waving at other joggers and looking at old ladies picking up there newspapers and could not help but wonder, “You never know she could be earnin’ her man, And learnin’ her man, and at the same time burnin’ her man.” They all look innocent…….
 
Sweat rolling down my face or a tear from the shear embarrassment of those eyebrows
Next up was Hoochie Mama, another lyrical masterpiece. “Big Booty Ho……..” It echoed in my brain and I felt the fat under my skin move up and down as if in a ridiculous hurry to disappear. I began to envision voluptuous women in string bikinis washing cars and massaging dirt bag men with gold teeth, cigars and ridiculous smoking jackets and silk boxers with large kisses on them. Faster, Colleen, faster, get that heart rate up and that sweat rolling. I realize that it is highly unlikely that I will ever be recruited for a video by a rap giant, however; my physical appearance has begun to resemble what I consider to be the you-really-shouldn’t-be -in a bikini-because-you –have-had-two-children-but-if-you-toned-up-would look-great-in-a-one-piece type. The big booty hoes, well, they aren’t following my line of thinking. They let it all hang out and the rest of the world suffers.  I know you know what I mean. You are laughing, but wondering if your yoga pants are just a bit too tight and some of that fluff is trying to escape like dough rising in a bread pan. You just looked, didn’t you?
As I rounded the corner I was further inspired by the long-lost lyrics to Dazzey Duks. (Can anyone tell me what happened to Duice?….Didn’t think so.) “So if you get it, got it, good so dip the dugout
these damn dazzey dukes are turnin’ out.” I have no idea what this means, but it sounds good. I am fairly certain that I would much prefer to be able to fit into a pair of dazzey duks, fear not this will NEVER happen, than to “Put em’ on the glass,” You bet, that came up next. But I digress; being able to fit into a pair of short shorts like the Nair girls would certainly mean that I had reached some kind of fitness milestone. So thank you, Duice, for putting me right where I needed to be. You helped me to recognize that ‘a little junk in the trunk,’ is OK, but I would in fact need is, ‘a six pack and a helluva rump.’ You have given me a goal.
This week’s weigh in was 162, which appears to be up a pound, but in fact my weight was unchanged. I purchased a new scale that made me one pound heavier than the scale that I had been previously using. So, I weighed myself in both spots and I have come out to zero change. I am not discouraged; instead I am even more motivated to keep eating right and to keep moving.
I mean really, those roots?!?!?
On an unrelated note, I had a big idiot moment today. I went in for an eye exam this evening. I have not been to the eye doctor in many years because I have nearly perfect vision, or so I thought. Because it had been so long, I had to have my pupils dilated. The doctor informed me that this would cause things to be a bit blurry and that he would be back in a few minutes. Certain that he didn’t know what he was talking about, I decided that I would check my FB and send a few texts. This is how well that worked out.
Upon finishing my exam, I found that I needed a slight prescription for my right eye. This gave me an excuse to go out and by some hot new geek sheik specs. When I was leaving the office, they asked if I had sunglasses because my eyes would still be quite sensitive. I assured them that I had a pair in my car and I would be just fine without the complementary Darth Vader shades that they were offering. When I got to the car I did find sunglasses, unfortunately they were a pair from the $1 bin and made to fit Finnegan…..
Idiot

Totally Geek Sheik, notice the hot new blonde do!

1 Comment on Girl you looks good……….

  1. OCDena
    August 18, 2011 at 3:47 pm (7 years ago)

    omgggggggggggggg crying laughing………..

    Reply

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